Calm down, it’s just lessons I learned from my exes. I didn’t say my ex-boyfriends so come back home. Lol, I’m sure at the sight of the topic, lessons I learned from my ex, your mind immediately went to boyfriends. Well, you are not totally wrong. By exes I mean ex-classmates, roommates, friends (feel free to add boy before the friend if it’ll make you feel better), basically people that used to be part of my life but are no longer here.
Many times we are quick to put aside things that don’t work out in our lives. Some even say this year, we are cutting off friends with negative vibes and all sort (what if the problem is/was you?) One thing I’ve learned is that there are lessons to be picked from every life events. Instead of rushing to get over things, why not take your time to pick out lessons that will help you get better as you move on. It’s not like you can do without these people. That said, I have many exes in my life and I have picked different lessons from each of them.
Let’s establish why these people have become exes in the first place
While some didn’t work out because of my not so good behavior, some didn’t work out because of theirs. Not because we are bad people, we just had our differences in the relationship. Also, I came to understand that some people are meant for some phases in your life. Don’t blame them if they can’t be part of the next phase, rather celebrate the time they were around and pick lessons for the next phase. I’ll be sharing with you some of the lessons I learned in the course of moving on from exes.
4 lessons I learned from my exes
1. Conflict resolution
Thank God I don’t know how to hold grudges (which is still often misunderstood). My exes have taught me a better way to handle conflicts. Initially, I thought I had to do it alone, I would try to figure out the problem, the mistake I made, the solution and then resolve it in my head. Since the other person was not in my head, the fight had not finished.
I learned to have a meaningful discussion about a problem. Calmly talk about my perspective, also listen to the other person’s perspective. We didn’t have to change; we just needed to shift grounds for peace to reign. I also learned not to be quick to point accusing fingers, you should stop it too. Don’t blame anybody.
Also, I learned not to allow previous disagreements to come to play, neither should I refer to them. Focus on the one at hand and resolve it. Fights are inevitable, you just need to learn how to settle in time.
2. Communication
We underrate communication actually. I have met several people in my young life and if it has taught me anything, it is that different people have a different understanding of things and different capacities to interpret messages. Initially, I would explain things to the best of my own knowledge and if you didn’t get it, it was your problem. I would get angry when people misunderstand me, I would get pissed when I have to explain things over and over again and they still don’t get it. Do you know what the problem was? My message was not clear. And communication is not complete if you don’t effectively pass your message to the receiver.
To communicate effectively, you need to know when to talk, when, and how to listen. Now I know that the only way I can effectively communicate is if I pass my message in a way the other person can understand. I also learned to give the other person room to talk without interrupting. If I didn’t understand a thing, rather than assume, I ask questions until I’m sure we are on the same page. Also, I learned not to leave out details.
Do you also know that your body language and tone is a way of communicating? Now you know. So don’t say sorry with your mouth when your face is saying otherwise
3. Trust
Trust is a very delicate issue and it is very important to every friendship and relationship. I learned that here’s no universal definition of trust. So you first have to define what trust means to you and your friend or partner. From lessons I’ve learned, I’ll say that trust requires that we keep our promises and show a demonstration of dependability, respect, and honor. Basically, let your words match your actions.
For some of my other exes, trust for them is being able to be vulnerable with me. They want to be sure that you’ll not use their weaknesses against them. They just needed someone to show them kindness in their weakness, and someone who would always show up for them whatsoever.
4. Selflessness/sacrifice
For what it is worth, I’ll say I’ve been blessed with good exes. Lol… Some of these people actually taught me what true sacrifice is. These people would go out of their way when it’s very uncomfortable just so I can be comfortable. It helped me to open up too. All relationships actually require sacrifices. But the beauty of it is when it is mutual.
Don’t get it twisted. Sacrifice may not necessarily come in material form. Your time, privacy, goals, your perceived rights and other things that were all about you that you have to now share is also a form of sacrifice. You should respect that when given and also give back when you can. That’s the beauty right there. Everybody has their own differences. We all have things we hold dear, and things we don’t like
We need all these lessons above for healthy friendships and relationships. The earlier we get this and appreciate them, the better for our relationships. Some people would not have become my ex if I found these things out early. But then, cheers to growth.
Do well to share some of the lessons you learned from your exes with me in the comment section. I’ll be waiting to read. Also, like this post and share it with your friends.
With love,
Opeyemi Omidiji
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